Practical Tips to manage turbulent emotions in separation or divorce

What is emotional readiness?

Emotional readiness is the ability to acknowledge difficult feelings without being controlled and consumed by them. After separation, a lot of people attend mediation because they have to, not because they are ready. If you are not ready to proceed with mediation then it makes the process a lot harder, it makes you not as open to possibilities for solutions and makes you feel more fearful. So, stepping back and making yourself feel ready so you can acknowledge how you do feel and processing emotions such as anger, grief and uncertainty constructively can be beneficial. Mediation is more likely to be successful if you are ready and the skills that you learn, builds the resilience through self-awareness of emotions to support you for the rest of the process.

What happens when emotions go unprocessed?

When emotions go unprocessed it can contribute to escalating conflict, small triggers from either an intentional or unintentional source can lead to disproportionate reactions. These impulsive decisions that you will later regret can have long lasting and damaging effects to your relationships with your children or family, your finances or even your ability to negotiate. You may make decisions you do not want to make as you want to get out of the space as quickly as you can, you may struggle listening or finding a common ground with not only you partner but also what the mediator is saying to support you. Unprocessed emotions can follow you out of the mediation room with your children being key witnesses to your behaviour.

Tip 1: Normalise your emotions

What you are feeling is a normal response to a major life change. No matter what part of the process you are at, it is okay to feel emotions that you may find overwhelming and you should not feel like you have to be told what emotions you should feel and at which stage. You may feel multiple emotions in the same day and that is okay. Naming your emotions out loud reduces their intensity, just repeating which emotions you are feeling, whether it is anger or scared, allows you to accept how you are feeling.

Tip 2: The Pause Routine

When you are feeling triggered in a situation, whether it is an at home conversation or during your mediation appointment, pause your routine. Whether it is face-to-face or over messages, stop what you are doing before responding. Focus on regulating your emotions and home in on your breathing. Next, ground yourself, place your feet on the floor, relax your shoulders, focus on relaxing your jaw and notice the things that surround you. Choose your response wisely, you do not need to reply immediately if you feel as though you are going to burst into a reaction that cannot be controlled, it is ok to ask for a break. It is incredibly powerful to choose your response strategically and it will put you in a much better position in the future.

Tip 3: Build Daily Resilience

Many of your daily habits influence the way we react to certain situations, here are a few steps and ideas you can focus on building into your daily routine to support you and help you regulate your nervous system instead of your nervous system controlling you.

• Consistent sleep – at least 8 hours per night.
• Regular meals – don’t skip breakfast!
• Movement – get your steps in (even if it’s just 20 minutes).
• Limit alcohol intake – it affects your sleep.
• Avoid sleeping substances – give yourself a time limit of use, do not rely on these too much as the transition back will be more challenging.
• Try journaling, meditation or mindful breathing.
• Maintain a routine – it prevents anxiety.

Tip 4: Lean on your support network

Share your feelings with trusted adults, NOT your children. Keep your circle small and close and choose people who can listen to you without judgement. Try not to circulate your feelings so they can be used against you, specifically if you are in a close knit community and your partner is part of that. Moderated support groups can also be beneficial. You might find comfort in speaking to others who understand the process in more detail, and you can be each other’s support system. Using a therapist can offer professional advice and support and offer an alternative to your solicitor to create your own divorce support team to surround you and help you through this difficult time.

How can our Family team help?

If you are going through a divorce or separation and wish to seek legal advice contact our friendly, family team on 01302 341414 or 0114 272 1884. Alternatively, you can fill out our online enquiry form.